Thriving and Surviving With Your College Roommate: The Dorm Room Guide from a Florida-Based Licensed Psychologist Who Specializes in College Student Therapy
Going off to college for the first time can be exciting, but it can also be extremely nerve-wracking. While college is a fantastic time for new independence, lots of new experiences and learning, and creating new friends, there can also be lots of unexpected challenges. One of the biggest challenges involves learning how to live in a small square box dorm room with another human being. While sometimes you may get to choose your roommate, often times it is completely up to the lottery gods and you have no say in the matter. Here are some tips from a licensed therapist who works with college students so that you can survive (and thrive) with your new roommate.
Manage Expectations to Decrease Stress and Anxiety
You have probably seen the depiction of roommate relationships in books, tv shows, and movies as often being perfect, with both people in the room being the best of friends (just like they are in the show Friends, New Girl, How I Met Your Mother, and Big Bang Theory). Unfortunately, while it does happen to some people that they connect immediately with their roommate, that is not the case with everyone. It can actually be a lot more important to have good communication and mutual respect with your roommate than it is to be best friends with them. Therefore, it is important to not be too disappointed if you don’t get matched with a roommate who you immediately click with. It IS possible to create a better relationship with them by following most of the steps laid out later in their article.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
One of the most important things to do to create a good relationship with your roommate is to set boundaries from the get-go. This will serve you both well in order to decrease any misunderstandings and any future conflicts, as well as help you both adjust to college life. Here are some areas to cover in the boundary setting:
Handling Guests
It is important to talk about how you both feel about having guests over, including what times you are okay with guests and how many people can be over at once. Are you okay with guests sleeping over? It is important to be considerate of your roommate during this process and also think about what you would be okay with living with at the same time. Create a guest policy so that you both are able to maintain your own personal space.
Navigating Schedules & Time Management Skills
It is very important to create rules around sleep and study schedules. You will need to figure out if you are both on the same sleep schedule or whether one of you is a night owl or early bird. It is crucial to identify a way to compromise with each other so that you can both sleep. Alarm setting is also an important aspect to discuss as frequent roommate resentment can come from being woken up 5 or more times by their roommate who keeps snoozing their alarms. It helps to also be interested in your roommate’s academic schedule. If they have a big exam or paper due the following day, that is probably not the best day to bring over all of your friends into the room to watch a movie. Consider creating set quiet times where you both agree to be quiet for each other.
Some practical ideas that can increase stress management if you and your roommate have very different schedules include utilizing technology to your advantage.
Consider using a vibrating alarm or smartwatch with a silent feature that will allow you or your roommate to wake up without waking up the other person in the room.
Create a shared schedule or have a white board where you can keep track of important activities or schedules.
Use dim lighting at night or lamps that can be adjustable.
Invest in ear plugs and a sleep mask (a must in college either way!).
White noise machines can be a life saver for drowning up any noise while sleeping.
Additionally, consider utilizing common spaces like the library or any space outside of the room if you or your roommate needs to study late or be up extremely early.
Sharing Items
If you are living in a small space with your roommate, it is sometimes difficult to figure out what is shared and what is someone’s own property. Discussing ahead of time how each of you feel about sharing clothes, food, fridges, and other items will help prevent arguments.
Treat Your Roommate How You Would Want To Be Treated
Be Cognizant of Personal space
Be considerate of your roommate’s personal space and items. Don’t move things around without asking, and don’t take something that isn’t yours. This will increase trust and reduce conflicts.
Always knock!
Yes, it is your room as well, but this is a small act that can actually go a long way in avoiding any potential awkward or uncomfortable situations.
Clean Up After Yourself
Take responsibility for the messes that you make in your room. Don’t leave clutter or messes out for your roommate to have to deal with and set time aside each day to tidy up after yourself. If you also are sharing a bathroom, create a schedule that will allow you each to have specific jobs and a clear plan about how to keep all of your space clean.
Learn How to Compromise
Be prepared that you and your roommate may be coming from completely different backgrounds and have very different lifestyles. Sometimes your desires for the living space may be incompatible. It is important to learn how to compromise with each other and accommodate each other’s needs. If your roommate has made a concession for you then you should always try to reciprocate the gesture. Have the goal be to create a positive relationship and a positive living environment.
Communication Strategies
Even after setting boundaries with your roommate, you may notice that you are feeling frustrated or unhappy with aspects of your living environment. If that is the case, you may want to utilize a tool called the “Gentle Start-Up” which comes from the Gottman Method and is useful for learning how to successfully communicate your needs with others. Here are the steps:
1. Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You”
a. Doing this will allow your roommate to be less critical and be able to hear you better. Be careful not to accidentally form an “I statement” that really should be a “You” such as “I think you are inconsiderate”. Try saying how you feel, “I feel sad…”
2. Describe what is happening without judgement
a. Instead of complaining, try to use objective facts. This will allow your roommate to hear you better. An example would be “Our room is always messy, and I’ve started noticing ants”.
3. Say what you want in positive terms.
a. Think about what to ask for before going into the conversation and ask for it explicitly. Don’t expect your roommate to be able to read your mind. Example would be “I would really appreciate it if you could clean up your crumbs after eating on the carpet”. Giving specific feedback is a lot easier to address and making clear requests can be beneficial and make it more likely for the other person to be able to respond.
4. Make sure to stay polite, calm, and composed.
a. Approach conversations when you are already calm, and if you are upset, try to maintain your composure by taking deep breaths before starting a conversation.
5. Be appreciative of what your roommate is already doing
a. This will make it easier for your roommate to hear you and to be willing to actually make changes in their routine. It also helps to be very specific and point out positive things they have done in the past. Express gratitude and focus on positive reinforcement (telling your roommate what they are doing well).
Further Coping Strategies
· Choose the right time to have the conversations
Try to have these conversations in private and make sure to pick a time when neither of you is stressed or overwhelmed.
· Put yourself in your roommate’s shoes.
Try to think about it from their perspective and try to increase empathy for them.
· Notice differences.
Realize that you and your roommate most likely have different backgrounds, habits, and expectations with each other. Staying open-minded will help you each find common ground.
· Maintain an ongoing dialogue
Try to keep the conversations open between the two of you, as well as setting aside time each week to discuss how the rooming is going and any changes that you need to make with each other.
· Use technology wisely
While texting can be great for a quick question, don’t try to have an important roommate conversation over text. It is a lot easier to mis-hear each other and to become upset.
· Avoid assumptions about each other
Try not to jump to any conclusions about your roommates’ intentions without fully understanding their position. Make sure to ask clarifying questions as needed and stay open-minded.
· Address issues early on
Don’t wait until a small minor issue becomes something huge or a big conflict. Address issues each time they occur.
What if nothing works?
Unfortunately, sometimes clear communication and setting early boundaries helps but doesn’t solve all conflict. If you are stuck in conflict and it appears unsolvable, it might be time to seek outside help. The Resident Advisor (RA) on your floor is trained to help with roommate conflicts. They can also step in and offer alternative advice/guidance including room changes. They should be your next line of defense if you are having difficulty with your living situation.
What If Things Are Going Great?
You may have read everything written and found that you have had no issues with boundary setting or communication with your roommate. That’s fantastic! If that’s the case, here are some ways to make your roommate experience even better:
Celebrate Big Milestones
This may be the first time either of you are living away from home. If that is the case, this might be the first time you are celebrating birthdays away from family. Making sure to know important dates in each other’s lives, as well as milestones and achievements, can be crucial for creating a positive living environment. Small gestures can go a really long way in strengthening your relationship.
Consider Doing Activities Together
You and your roommate may or may not be close friends. Regardless, it can be really nice to find common ground with your roommate and find shared interests. Take time to go to campus events together, or engage in activities such as a movie night, study session, or going out for a quick meal.
Build an External Support Network
Outside of your roommate, it can be great to also have other people in your network. Creating other friends, connecting with classmates, and connecting with professors can be helpful in order to have different perspectives (including when navigating any kind of roommate challenge that you are dealing with). Look for people who make you feel happy when they are around!
Seeking Further Mental Health Services
If you follow all of these ideas, it is possible that you will have significantly decreased the likelihood of having a negative roommate experience. Ultimately, surviving and thriving with your roommate often comes down to clear communication, a lot of respect, and a good dose of compromise. Lean into the experience, as you might actually make a wonderful friend.
However, you may be finding that you need more support around dealing with the college experience. Regardless of what university or college you are at, whether in Tampa, St Petersburg, Gainesville, Orlando, or Miami, or in a different state such as Maryland, Colorado, North Carolina, or Texas, I can help!
As a licensed psychologist who specializes in working with anxiety, depression, OCD, trauma and other mental health concerns for students, I can provide support to you no matter where you are at in your college experience and provide college student therapy. I will help you navigate homesickness, cope with academic stress, find balance between academics and social life, manage test anxiety, and learn healthy coping strategies. Also, my experience is not limited only to college students. If you are a young professional or adult who is struggling with their living situation, major life transition, or relationships with others, please reach out.
Please schedule a free consult call here.